HE Knows

A lot, of people have asked me "How are you?" and you know, right now I'm okay.  I'm used to this part.  I'm used to saying goodbye. I'm used to the heartache of the first few days.  I'm used to finding a new groove without him here. I'm used to all of this. Once we get into this for more than 4 months, that's when I'm going to be finding my way through new territory. This deployment has been looming over our heads for 2 years. Zach's been going in and out to sea the entire time just to get the ship ready to stay out for this long one.  During this time I've had a lot of time to think about it. 

God has helped me through every situation in my life so far and I can always see how He is there helping me and giving me strength to make it.  I have always had one little kink in my faith when it comes to this new adventure in my life though...Jesus knows all our woes because He came to earth and experienced them. We are told this in Hebrews 2:18, "Therefore He had to be made like His brethren in all things, so that He might become a merciful and faithful high priest in things pertaining to God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people." But how does He know how I'm feeling? He wasn't married.  He didn't have a 'love of his life', so how does He understand this pain I'm in?  How can He understand what I'm going through if He's never had to long for someone before?

And then it hit me just yesterday after these 2 years of  "this isn't fair" and "no one understands what I'm feeling." Jesus understands exactly what I've been feeling because He had to leave Heaven and come down here to Earth.  He was longing for His home for 33 years and here I am complaining about 9 months...

Don't you think Jesus missed Heaven? Don't you think He longed for the presence of God?  He knew what it was like to be with God Almighty and yet He had to come down here and live a life like us so that we could one day be in the presence of God with Him.  He says in John 14:2, ^"In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you." Don't you think He missed those mansions?  Jesus gave up everything  to come down here to save you and me.  I think I can trust Him to get me through anything that this life throws at me.  And I think I can trust that He understands what my longing for Zach feels like, because I'm sure my longing is miniscule in comparison to the longing Christ had for the presence of God while He was down here on Earth. 

No matter what you're going through, no matter how big or how small Jesus understands how you are feeling. And if He understands how you are feeling then He will 100% be able to help you make it through.  Jesus loves you and He proved it not only by dying on a cross for your sins, but by leaving the presence of our Almighty God and longing to be back there with Him for 33 years. 

If something is weighing you down, share it with Jesus.  He will help you carry your load.

Ashley

It's Okay To Be Weak

"It's okay you're strong enough."

I've heard this so many times these last few weeks, but in my mind I think, "that doesn't make me OKAY though. Just because I'm strong doesn't mean I want to be away from the love of my life for nearly a year." But then I think, what if they're wrong though,  what if I'm not strong enough. What if my fears and anxieties take ahold of me and I can control them. What if I get bombarded by the daily routines and just want to run away? What if I can't fall asleep another night without him? And to be completely open I have a big weakness, not something that would happen to a "strong" person. I have panic attacks. They are mild ones but they are still gripping.

I'd never had a panic attack until Zach had been in bootcamp for a bit. He had been there for about three weeks and I hadn't heard a thing from him or how he was doing.  There were so many thoughts and fears racing through my head all the time, but then at times they became silent and I couldn't breathe.

They always came upon me in a crowded place or a place where we would normally have had to find each other. The first one was at Walmart. I was crossing things off my list and then all of a sudden the wind was knocked from my chest and all I could hear was myself whispering, Zach, Zach. Over and over and over again. That's all that I could think. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move. After what seemed like forever, I finally found enough strength to cry out to God for Him to help me breathe again. "Please just help me inhale." I literally would have to think about how to do it, because the only thing my mind was thinking was, Zach; over and over and over again.

It took me over 3 months to work through these gripping attacks. There were no warning signs though so it was hard to stop them. Once I was with Zach again in Pensacola they stopped. 

Zach's presence does that for me, it calms me to my very core. When I met Zach I had a huge stonewall built around my heart and he broke those walls down and showed me what true love really is. (It did take him awhile, I mean I did hang up on him the first time he told me he loved me. Haha.) So when he left for the Navy my heart was left wide open without any protection around it. And that's when the attacks started.

When we came to Norfolk and his ship started to go in and out I started to have them again. But this time I know exactly when they'll happen. Every time I drive to the HRBT, the tunnel, I get a perfect view of his ship, but when it's gone all I see is a huge empty spot and it triggers one every.single.time. It's like someone kicks me in the stomach, reminding me he's not here. I feel like I've almost worked through these, but I still get them.

All I can think is, I'm not strong enough for him to be gone so long, but you know what? That's okay, I don't have to be.

"But He says to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast the more gladly about my weaknesses,  so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

God's power is going to be perfect while I'm weak and His grace is going to be sufficient for when I have my weakest moments of panic. His strength is what will get me through this lonely, fearful, sobering time, not my own strength, but His perfected in me.

No matter how strong I am it will never be strong enough to make me WANT to be away from my best half for nearly a year. I'll never be strong enough to WANT to raise our kids on my own for nearly a year. I'll never be strong enough to WANT to sleep alone for so many painful nights.

So for now I'm settling my soul with the knowledge that I'll never be strong enough for this, but with His help and His strength I can make it through this time without my best friend, my partner in crime, my heartbeat.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philipians 4:13

AND

"When I am afraid, I will trust in You." Psalms 56:3

That's really all I can do...just trust Him.

Ashley