This dog tag I'm wearing gets heavier everyday. I never thought I'd be one to wear dog tags but the night before Zach left on his ship for the first time he laid it on my nightstand. He kisses it each time he's leaves, so I can "kiss him" anytime I want.
I've never had it on this long though. He's never been out to sea for this long before. We've been apart for this long but nothing compares to him being across the world in a dangerous location.
Everyone says it must be so hard to deal with the kids all alone, and it is, it's exhausting; but that's not the hardest part. The hardest part are the mind games that deployment plays on your brain and heart.
Is he coming home? Is this new 'norm' gonna be the norm for the rest of my life? Is he okay, he hasn't emailed in a week? Is he sick, I gave him that big jar of vitamin C I hope he's taking it. Is his mind okay? Is he losing his hope? Is he losing himself to the people around him? Can I possibly fall asleep another night without him? Can I just hear his voice right now, that's all I need in this moment. Does he think about me? Is he worried about the kids? What if he gets used to not being around my weird ways? Is he still gonna like me?
Questions can be overwhelming as they run through your mind. I have to literally stop them and cry out to God to help me get over these moments of complete anguish. The tears come and they don't stop.
There's never been a moment that I'm dealing with the kids when I just break down and cry because Zach isn't here, but when these negative thoughts come racing through my brain they knock me down. I have to learn that it's okay to think these thoughts, but also know that I must move past them. With God's help I can be happy in whatever situation I find myself. Even if it's in a moment of despair, I need to thank God that I have something so beautiful in this life on Earth that I'm so afraid to lose it...
Zach will always be my everything. No matter what, he will always be my everything.
"Give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thess. 5 : 18
Trying to take the hard days one at a time.
Ashley
