June Bible Study Day 4

Hey all,

Today's study was "Give Thanks In Certainty".  This title really hit home to me, because since Zach has joined the Navy nothing has been certain.  It's never certain where we'll go, it's never certain how long we'll stay, and by golly it's never certain when his ship will return.  So how do I give thanks when I don't have certainty?  I'm so grateful for her words today because even in my crazy life I do have certainty.  I have certainty that God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  He never changes, I change.  He will help me through anything, through all the uncertainty in life and that is certain.

The readings today were Hosea 6:3, Job 19:25-26, Isaiah 40:8, Luke 1:37.  I really loved the end of verse 3 in Hosea 6. "...He will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth." It'll rain, even if there's hardly any it'll rain sometime, that's a sure thing.  It's a certainty that God has placed in our atmosphere. 

Even if you are facing uncertainty in your life right now, find something that is certain to thank God for tonight in your prayer. 

Can't wait to hear your thoughts and stories.

Much Love,
Ashley

June Bible Study Day 3

Today was such a good study for me personally.  It was emotional for me to read through the Job passage because I sent Zach this passage last month when he was discouraged.  I told him what if Satan came to God and personally asked for Zach? I'm here with a church family and my amazing neighbors and friends while he's out there alone and isolated.  I told him he should think of it as a compliment that he was the one put in this situation.  God trusts him to still shine his light for Him.

Anyway, I want to hear your thoughts on today's passages and what she had to say. God will see you through anything.

My challenge for today is to look back on your life so far and think of a challenging situation,  how did God help pull you through?

I can't wait to here your thoughts.
Ashley

https://youtu.be/K_e4QZXJ4nY

June Bible Study Day 2

Hey all!

So today I decided to do a regular blog post about the study.  I know sometimes I have to do all my 'electronic time' while I'm putting the kids to sleep and I can't be listening to something. :o)

Today in our Shereadstruth.com study of "In Everything, Give Thanks" Day 2: Give Thanks In Joy we read Luke 17:11-19 and Psalm 30:1-12.

One part of the reading really stood out to me today.  Psalm 30:3 "You restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit."  How many times have we gotten in with a couple of not so right people?  I'm saying they aren't good people, but are they right for you to have so close to you?  Are you talking about Christ while you're with them?  Are you encouraging each other in Christ?  Think about your close friendships and who you are always with, make sure these people will help you and your family draw closer to God and give thanks for the ones in your life that you have that help you along our journey to Heaven.

"I shall never be moved," also stood out to me in verse 6 of Psalm 30. How many times have we said this and then weeks later we are doubting once again.  Let's give thanks in the small things so we can learn to be truly grateful for all that we have in our lives.

Sometimes it is not hard to find joy in the joyful times, but sometimes we forget to stop and say thank you for this joyful season in my life.  My challenge for you for tomorrow is to say an entire prayer to God that is all thankfulness.  Thank God for all the good in your life and for the situations that will make you stronger for Him.

Can't wait to hear your thoughts.
Ashley

June Bible Study Day 1

Hey Guys!

I'm starting a 13 day Bible study today.  Here is my post about Day 1.

You can find the study at SheReadsTruth.com under "In Everything, Give Thanks."  

Thank for wanting to study God's word with me. I want to be able to be lifted up by each of you.

https://youtu.be/3pypEW9YVjk

Heavy

This dog tag I'm wearing gets heavier everyday. I never thought I'd be one to wear dog tags but the night before Zach left on his ship for the first time he laid it on my nightstand.  He kisses it each time he's leaves, so I can "kiss him" anytime I want.

I've never had it on this long though. He's never been out to sea for this long before. We've been apart for this long but nothing compares to him being across the world in a dangerous location.

Everyone says it must be so hard to deal with the kids all alone, and it is, it's exhausting; but that's not the hardest part. The hardest part are the mind games that deployment plays on your brain and heart.

Is he coming home? Is this new 'norm' gonna be the norm for the rest of my life? Is he okay, he hasn't emailed in a week? Is he sick, I gave him that big jar of vitamin C I hope he's taking it. Is his mind okay? Is he losing his hope? Is he losing himself to the people around him? Can I possibly fall asleep another night without him? Can I just hear his voice right now, that's all I need in this moment. Does he think about me? Is he worried about the kids? What if he gets used to not being around my weird ways? Is he still gonna like me?

Questions can be overwhelming as they run through your mind. I have to literally stop them and cry out to God to help me get over these moments of complete anguish.  The tears come and they don't stop.

There's never been a moment that I'm dealing with the kids when I just break down and cry because Zach isn't here, but when these negative thoughts come racing through my brain they knock me down. I have to learn that it's okay to think these thoughts,  but also know that I must move past them. With God's help I can be happy in whatever situation I find myself. Even if it's in a moment of despair, I need to thank God that I have something so beautiful in this life on Earth that I'm so afraid to lose it...

Zach will always be my everything.  No matter what, he will always be my everything. 

"Give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thess. 5 : 18

Trying to take the hard days one at a time.

Ashley

HE Knows

A lot, of people have asked me "How are you?" and you know, right now I'm okay.  I'm used to this part.  I'm used to saying goodbye. I'm used to the heartache of the first few days.  I'm used to finding a new groove without him here. I'm used to all of this. Once we get into this for more than 4 months, that's when I'm going to be finding my way through new territory. This deployment has been looming over our heads for 2 years. Zach's been going in and out to sea the entire time just to get the ship ready to stay out for this long one.  During this time I've had a lot of time to think about it. 

God has helped me through every situation in my life so far and I can always see how He is there helping me and giving me strength to make it.  I have always had one little kink in my faith when it comes to this new adventure in my life though...Jesus knows all our woes because He came to earth and experienced them. We are told this in Hebrews 2:18, "Therefore He had to be made like His brethren in all things, so that He might become a merciful and faithful high priest in things pertaining to God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people." But how does He know how I'm feeling? He wasn't married.  He didn't have a 'love of his life', so how does He understand this pain I'm in?  How can He understand what I'm going through if He's never had to long for someone before?

And then it hit me just yesterday after these 2 years of  "this isn't fair" and "no one understands what I'm feeling." Jesus understands exactly what I've been feeling because He had to leave Heaven and come down here to Earth.  He was longing for His home for 33 years and here I am complaining about 9 months...

Don't you think Jesus missed Heaven? Don't you think He longed for the presence of God?  He knew what it was like to be with God Almighty and yet He had to come down here and live a life like us so that we could one day be in the presence of God with Him.  He says in John 14:2, ^"In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you." Don't you think He missed those mansions?  Jesus gave up everything  to come down here to save you and me.  I think I can trust Him to get me through anything that this life throws at me.  And I think I can trust that He understands what my longing for Zach feels like, because I'm sure my longing is miniscule in comparison to the longing Christ had for the presence of God while He was down here on Earth. 

No matter what you're going through, no matter how big or how small Jesus understands how you are feeling. And if He understands how you are feeling then He will 100% be able to help you make it through.  Jesus loves you and He proved it not only by dying on a cross for your sins, but by leaving the presence of our Almighty God and longing to be back there with Him for 33 years. 

If something is weighing you down, share it with Jesus.  He will help you carry your load.

Ashley

It's Okay To Be Weak

"It's okay you're strong enough."

I've heard this so many times these last few weeks, but in my mind I think, "that doesn't make me OKAY though. Just because I'm strong doesn't mean I want to be away from the love of my life for nearly a year." But then I think, what if they're wrong though,  what if I'm not strong enough. What if my fears and anxieties take ahold of me and I can control them. What if I get bombarded by the daily routines and just want to run away? What if I can't fall asleep another night without him? And to be completely open I have a big weakness, not something that would happen to a "strong" person. I have panic attacks. They are mild ones but they are still gripping.

I'd never had a panic attack until Zach had been in bootcamp for a bit. He had been there for about three weeks and I hadn't heard a thing from him or how he was doing.  There were so many thoughts and fears racing through my head all the time, but then at times they became silent and I couldn't breathe.

They always came upon me in a crowded place or a place where we would normally have had to find each other. The first one was at Walmart. I was crossing things off my list and then all of a sudden the wind was knocked from my chest and all I could hear was myself whispering, Zach, Zach. Over and over and over again. That's all that I could think. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move. After what seemed like forever, I finally found enough strength to cry out to God for Him to help me breathe again. "Please just help me inhale." I literally would have to think about how to do it, because the only thing my mind was thinking was, Zach; over and over and over again.

It took me over 3 months to work through these gripping attacks. There were no warning signs though so it was hard to stop them. Once I was with Zach again in Pensacola they stopped. 

Zach's presence does that for me, it calms me to my very core. When I met Zach I had a huge stonewall built around my heart and he broke those walls down and showed me what true love really is. (It did take him awhile, I mean I did hang up on him the first time he told me he loved me. Haha.) So when he left for the Navy my heart was left wide open without any protection around it. And that's when the attacks started.

When we came to Norfolk and his ship started to go in and out I started to have them again. But this time I know exactly when they'll happen. Every time I drive to the HRBT, the tunnel, I get a perfect view of his ship, but when it's gone all I see is a huge empty spot and it triggers one every.single.time. It's like someone kicks me in the stomach, reminding me he's not here. I feel like I've almost worked through these, but I still get them.

All I can think is, I'm not strong enough for him to be gone so long, but you know what? That's okay, I don't have to be.

"But He says to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast the more gladly about my weaknesses,  so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

God's power is going to be perfect while I'm weak and His grace is going to be sufficient for when I have my weakest moments of panic. His strength is what will get me through this lonely, fearful, sobering time, not my own strength, but His perfected in me.

No matter how strong I am it will never be strong enough to make me WANT to be away from my best half for nearly a year. I'll never be strong enough to WANT to raise our kids on my own for nearly a year. I'll never be strong enough to WANT to sleep alone for so many painful nights.

So for now I'm settling my soul with the knowledge that I'll never be strong enough for this, but with His help and His strength I can make it through this time without my best friend, my partner in crime, my heartbeat.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philipians 4:13

AND

"When I am afraid, I will trust in You." Psalms 56:3

That's really all I can do...just trust Him.

Ashley