Lately, I have been feeling, kind of, lost. I never could have dreamed up where I am now in my life. Where I am is definitely far from anything I ever planned for my life or for my marriage.
It's so hard to talk about your marriage. It is something sacred and many parts of it, I do believe, are best kept in between the two that have become one. Sometimes, though, I feel like it's good to talk about the 'not so good' parts so others know that having ups and downs is a completely normal.
Lately, I have felt like my marriage has been put on hold. For the first two months of Zach's 'military career' we spoke two times. Two times... Obviously we are both living our lives separately, not necessarily because we want to be separated, but none-the-less we are.
I had a hard time for a while with being happy or feeling 'normal'. I didn't want to feel okay; that meant that I was learning how to live my life without Zach. But that is exactly where I am right now in my life and in my marriage. I am living my life without him. Like it or not I'm going to have to figure out the purpose God has for me while I'm alone.
Zach and I were in a beautiful place in our marriage and with our journey with God, as a couple. We felt God was pulling us in a direction and we couldn't figure out what it was. We prayed and prayed and waited. There was no 'God told me' moment, but there were doors that opened that lead Zach to join the Navy. We felt that God was calling us to do this, but I have recently had my doubts.
Why would God call us to lead separate lives? Why would He want us to be apart from each other? Why would He want any separation in what He has joined together? I've asked myself these questions over and over and I've only come up with one response.
"For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." Jer. 29:11-13
The response is that there is no answer; not yet anyway. God knows what He's doing. I don't like the way things look right now, but I can't see the whole picture. I've always believed God put Zach and I together to grow closer to Him, and we have. But now we must grow closer to Him without each other.
It literally kills me to think that Zach and I are growing apart. I mean we are living completely separate lives, how can we not? I just pray that Zach is trying to grow closer to God as we are apart, because the only way we can grow closer while we're apart is by growing closer to Him. If we are both striving to get to Him then we will be growing together without actually physically being together.
I am praying that our time apart from each other will come to a close soon and that our relationship can get back to 'normal'. Which is going to be completely different now, but at least we will be together. There is no clear answer to this struggle I'm in right now, but I do know that some how, some way I will make it through with God at my side. He can sustain our marriage even through the hardest times and the lowest lows.
Please say a prayer for all the military couples that are working hard to keep their marriages going even though they are separated. Pray that God will sustain them and bind them together in Him until they can physically be together again.
♥ Ashley
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