I Can't Wait

So, I've been having a few 'can't wait' moments lately. I usually don't, but I have been recently. Sometimes I just can't wait to be teaching again. I honestly feel like teaching kids is what God put me on this earth to do. I know, I know I teach my kids everyday at home, but it's not the same as having a classroom full of 6th graders and daring them to touch the worms (even though I would NEVER do that). ;) It's not the same as walking them down the hall in a line as I walk backwards without missing a step (okay maybe sometimes I do). It's not the same as going out to recess and blowing a whistle when I need everyone's attention on me. As many similarities as staying at home with my kids has with being a teacher it's just not the same and I miss it. I miss it a lot.

I feel bad when I think this way, but then I think, that's awesome! That means getting a teaching degree was a great way to spend all my student loans. (Ahhh) But seriously, at least I know I have found what I truly love doing. But right now I know God has called me to stay at home with my babies and that is okay. Sometimes I feel like I should be doing 'more', but I do realize that in reality I am doing more for my family right now by staying at home with my littles. I do have to reign myself in when I get these great ideas for my future classroom, because it's gonna be awhile.

This whole 'stay-at-home-mom' thing kinda took me by surprise. I mean I have always known I've wanted to stay home with my children, but I didn't realize how hard it would be to give up my dreams of being a teacher as well. I didn't know I would get jealous when I see pictures of my friends classrooms all ready for a new school year. It has been very humbling for me to put that off for awhile and to stay home during this time in my life. I know my babies won't be babies long and I don't want to miss a second of it.

Most of all I know it's my responsibility to teach them about God. Not the 'rules and regulations' of God, but actually ABOUT God. To see Him in nature,  to see Him in a song, to see Him in the eyes of their siblings, to see Him in the eyes of the homeless. To literally teach them that God is all around us and we must open our eyes to see the massive love He has for all of us. To teach them that God is love, because if I miss that early on it will be much harder when their hearts aren't so tender.

Ashley

PS-- I have a lot of friends who have children and teach so please don't take my thoughts the wrong way. That's what is best for your family and I'm so proud of you.

I'm A Bad Parent

How many times have you thought,  "I'm a bad parent." I've thought it a lot. I'm constantly critiquing myself in all that I do, so obviously it has carried over into parenting as well. I think this is healthy; to step back and make sure you're doing things right or maybe realize you need to work on certain areas of your parenting.

These last two weeks have been monstrous to say the least. I mean I really don't like to complain, but I felt at times like I didn't know how I could possibly make it to bedtime. I was terribly sick (ear infection, sinus infection, and strep throat) and I had three kids to keep alive and happy, all while my husband was out to sea. On top of my sickness my 6 month old decided she would wake up every two hours, every.single.night. There were many days when I thought, "I am a bad parent."

I just made my kids watch TV all day so that I could be still, I'm a bad parent. We had baked potatoes for 3 nights in a row, I'm a bad parent. The boys had ramen noodles more often this week than they usually do in 2 months, I'm a bad parent. I yelled at Owen because he just keeps yelling and it makes every ounce of me hurt, I'm a bad parent. I made Adasen sit on the floor in my room and play with Opal while I tried to get a bit more sleep with a pillow over my head, I'm a bad parent. 

With each of these moments and many, many more I just felt defeated as a mom. Like I just wasn't up to par, but you know what I realized? That's completely okay, because His grace is sufficient for me. Even in my parenting abilities His grace is sufficient for me.

"For He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

I realized that for everything I was feeling bad about there was something good I had done also. I still let Owen help 'make' dinner by washing off the potatoes,  because he loves to help me. I still let the boys jump out of the tub when I put their Spiderman towel on them, because they think it's the most fun thing ever. I still read Owen the book he wanted me to read three times,  even though my throat was killing me. I still sat and rocked my baby girl and sang to her at 3 am even though I felt like I couldn't keep my eyes open a second longer. For everything that I thought I was doing so badly there was still something good that I was doing too. And that's all because His grace is sufficient for me.

Even though I have my bad mom moments He gives me the grace to pick that up and start over. He let's me try again and again, because He is so merciful. 

If you're struggling with the thought that your a bad parent just remember,  His grace is sufficient for all of us. Maybe you didn't have your best parenting day, but you know what, dust yourself off and think of the good things you have done today. And for all those bad moments, His grace has got you covered,  just try to do better next time. He still loves you and so do your babies.

Ashley

I Didn't Pray For Rain

Adasen said the sweetest thing the other day. When it started to rain he said, "But, Mommy, I didn't pray for rain." Isn't that great! Almost profound if you think about for a minute.

We've been working on what praying really is. We've said that thanking God, praising God, and asking God are all parts of a prayer. He usually asks God to bring Daddy back soon, but sometimes he prays for rain. Well, I guess this particular day he didn't ask for rain. So why was it raining? Right now in his childlike mind his connection to his God is so great. It's basically like a direct connection to everything else in his life. His God is in control of everything. He can ask his God for anything and He will fix it right away.

Wouldn't it be great if that is how we all felt all the time, throughout our entire lives?! Acting like we have a direct connection to the One Most High.

Most of the time I find myself limiting God. I decide what I should pray about and what I shouldn't. I decide that certain things are just bound to happen so there's no use in praying about them. I'm limiting my faith in my relationship with God.  Can I not trust Him with everything?  Am I afraid that if it doesn't work out the way I want it I'll blame Him?

God knows everything about me, so why am I limiting His power in my life? He knows that I can't sleep at night while Zach's away from me. He sees me lying awake while the worry lays hard on my chest. He sees when the panic arises in me and I can't seem to catch my breath. He sees every tear I cry in the shower each night.  For He has "...taken account of my wanderings, put my tears in Your bottle, are they not in Your book?" Psalm 56:8

God knows all, so why can I not give Him all. I need to strive daily to have a direct line to God like Adasen has. When I see things happening around me I need to attribute them directly to God. He answers my prayers daily so I need to keep my eyes open and watch for His greatness and I need to start praying fervently to Him. Giving Him my everything, even the things I can't quite put my finger on yet. I need to give Him all my fears and anxieties, all my loneliness and grief, even though I feel like these will never be healed. When I give all of this to Him that is when He can start fixing me His way, not mine. I need to stop deciding what my God can and cannot do and then maybe I'll be able to say, "I didn't pray for this." But I'll have whatever it is that I needed because I asked and so it was given.

Ashley

You Make Everything Harder

As a Mom I've always tried to be kind and loving, but at the same time stern and straightforward.  I'm upfront with my kids and they know the reason why we don't do certain things. I don't like to sugar coat things. That's in my personality I guess. I'm never crude, but if they ask where the babies gonna come out of I tell them. I don't say from the belly button, in other words. So I hardly ever regret what I say to them, but I said something this week that I do regret.

With Zach being gone it creates a 'mommy needs more help' atmosphere and Adasen is usually the one that I ask these things of. This particular underway (that's what it's called when Zach's ship is out) Adasen has been telling me no when I would ask him for help. At first I was flabbergasted.  Adasen, tell me no?! He's always been so helpful.  Well, he's changing now and he's finding out that he's his own person.  He's finding out that he controls his actions. 

In the midst of one of these conversations I found myself saying,"You're not supposed to be making things harder for me, Adasen." When it came out I didn't think much about it, but as I reflected on it later I thought that it didn't make much sense and it was kinda rude.

Is he here to make things harder? Well, yes. I chose to have a child, so my life grew a bit harder. Then I chose to have more children and again it grew a bit harder.  I'm here to train these children. I'm here to train them to help make other peoples lives easier. Does that make my life easier? Maybe one day, but not yet.

Parenting is a challenge, especially if you care about how you're doing.  I want to raise my kids to be helpers. I want to raise them to seek out others that they can help. But as we're getting to that point I don't need to blame them for making my life 'harder'.

Adasen probably won't think twice about what I said, but I'm glad I thought about this now. In the future I'm going to say it in a different way. "Could you please help make this easier for Mommy while Daddy's gone?" He didn't choose this family. He didn't choose to have siblings or to have a Dad that's in the Navy, so it's not his fault that things are harder for Mommy. He can, however, learn how to be helpful and how to make things easier. I don't ever want him thinking that he's a burden. Does he make things more complicated, of course... but he's not a burden, he's my baby boy.

As he grows into his own person I need to step back and remember that my words affect what he's thinking. They affect what he's thinking about himself and about others. I want him to have a positive outlook about himself and a go-getter mentality, not the feeling of being a burden.

So, I'll leave you with a verse that's been on my mind constantly since that day. Proverbs 15:1 "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

Ashley

Jets Keep Me Grounded

Right now we live on a naval base right next to an airstrip. We hear planes all the time, but rarely does a jet land or take off.

Jets are extremely loud and they shake your body deep into its core.  They make the windows rattle and Owen come running to me. It seems like when I'm having a cry-baby day a jet always comes in.  It makes me cry every.single.time.

One of my biggest motto's in life has always been, 'someone always has it worse'. Can I really sit here and complain about my life while millions of people have it much worse than I do? But even with this mindset I still get down; as all humans do from time to time. I still have cry-baby days and I still want to pout about how 'bad' parts of my life are.

These moments (or days sometimes)  started after Zach joined the Navy.  I get down because he is gone more than he's home. I get down because my kids miss their daddy.  I get down because there is absolutely nothing I can do about any of it. On these days a jet always rolls in and reminds me that it's not all about me.

The sheer sound and power of these airplanes reminds me that what Zach is doing is so much bigger than simply our family.  What he is doing is part of a much bigger picture that is bringing safety and security to millions of families. So that they can be together all of the time. My 'problems' start to melt away.  My loneliness gets back in check for a bit.  My crazy life seems to have some kind of rhyme and reason again. 

These jets, they keep me grounded.  They remind me that not everything is about me. The world doesn't revolve around my family.  I can make it through a few more days without the love of my life, because he's doing something that's impacting millions. I can surely make it through the lonely days and nights ahead,  because there's something so much bigger than me happening.

Thank you, fighter jets, for keeping me grounded.

Ashley

Talking To The Moon

I will always be 100% honest and real about my feelings on here. After all this is my blog, I'm not holding my feelings back about this thing we call military life.  I can't always say what's going on or where Zach is, but my emotions, that's something I can share.

Something I think a lot of non-military spouses don't understand is that a lot of the time there's no communication.  Zach and I have already experienced this a lot and he hasn't even been in for an entire year yet.  We haven't gone through a deployment or anything,  this is just normal hum-drum military life so far. 

When Zach is out, we can't talk.  There are no cell phones,  no Skype,  nothing.  Well, not nothing. He was out for two weeks and I got one email about a week and a day into it.  Saying he was okay,  not what he's been doing or asking any questions,  because more than likely he won't be able to read my reply. 

There are so many moments I want to tell him about, but by the time I can talk to him hundreds of moments worth telling him about have gone by.  That's why I keep a journal.  He'll read it one day and it won't be the same as having been there or having been told the night it happened,  but at least I got to tell someone. 

I saw this song, Talking To The Moon, on someones Instagram and listened to it.  It explains how it is being a military wife. (Not the intended meaning I'm sure.) You only have the moon to talk to and hope that somehow the messages are getting through.  (Unless you have my husband who responds,  'I don't get to see the moon.' Which I respond with,  'Well the moon sees your ship...')

So, I still say goodnight to the moon and send a kiss,  even if the moon doesn't see Zach.  In this age with so much technology you would think we could keep in touch much better, but it's just not the way it is for us military families. 

At least we still have the moon. 

Ashley

Fight For Your Children

Fight for your children, it seems simple enough right? But it's not easy, it's hard and it's becoming even harder as our country gets farther away from the Christian values it once had. I see parents around me giving up on the fight for their kids, because it is exhausting and it can be redundant and most of the time we probably feel as if we are fighting WITH our kids, not FOR them.

Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way he should go..." This verse is telling us as Christian parents that we must teach our children the way they should go. This verse doesn't say 'the way their friends are going', 'the way society is going', or 'the way the fashion industry is going.' It says the way they SHOULD go. This means they're not going to know how to go about in this world and it's our job as their parents to fight some battles for them and show them the right way to navigate in this world. 

For me now, this means teaching my young ones to share what we have, even if parents around us don't teach their children the same. It's teaching them 'yes ma'am' and 'yes sir', even though that's old fashion. It's teaching them that they have to obey me even if they growl at me because they don't want to. I have to fight through these small battles now so that they don't turn into bigger ones later. I have to show them the way they SHOULD go not the way their little minds think they need to be going.

I can already see how this battle for our kids is going to get harder as they get older, but are we going to make them fight this battle alone? Are we going to give up on them and give into the things around us so it's easier for us as their parents?

I beg you parents to fight for your teenagers even if it just seems that you're fighting with them. You're not, you're fighting for them and they will thank you later. 

Fight for your daughters who want to wear super short shorts because 'that's all you can find in the stores.' Fight for her and look through as many stores as you have to until you can find a pair that her bottom doesn't hang out of when she bends over. She will most likely see this as you fighting against her, but you're not, you're fighting FOR her and she will see it one day. 

When your teen boy (or girl) posts inappropriate things or uses his phone in inappropriate ways, fight for him. Take his phone away. He'll be just fine without it. Yes, he will see this as you fighting with him, but you're not, you're fighting FOR him. Don't take the easy way out and say, "Well everyone else is doing the same or worse." You're not responsible for bringing those other kids up in the way they should go, but you are responsible for teaching your children which way is right.

We give up too easily as a society in general these days. We all just want to blend in with the crowd and if everyone else is doing it then it must be the way to go. We as parents think this way much too often, but we can't. Our children think like that too and they need someone to fight for them and teach them that it might not be okay just because everyone else is doing it. We have to teach them the way they should go, not the way they want to go. So, yes it will be a struggle. And, yes, it will seem like you're fighting against them and with them, when in reality you are fighting a battle FOR them; so that they won't have to figure out the battle plan all on their own. 

As parents, let's use all our energy and be completely exhausted fighting for our kids. I'd rather use all my resources now than look back and wonder what I could have done differently. Let's train our children in the way they should go.