Lately, I have been feeling, kind of, lost. I never could have dreamed up where I am now in my life. Where I am is definitely far from anything I ever planned for my life or for my marriage.
It's so hard to talk about your marriage. It is something sacred and many parts of it, I do believe, are best kept in between the two that have become one. Sometimes, though, I feel like it's good to talk about the 'not so good' parts so others know that having ups and downs is a completely normal.
Lately, I have felt like my marriage has been put on hold. For the first two months of Zach's 'military career' we spoke two times. Two times... Obviously we are both living our lives separately, not necessarily because we want to be separated, but none-the-less we are.
I had a hard time for a while with being happy or feeling 'normal'. I didn't want to feel okay; that meant that I was learning how to live my life without Zach. But that is exactly where I am right now in my life and in my marriage. I am living my life without him. Like it or not I'm going to have to figure out the purpose God has for me while I'm alone.
Zach and I were in a beautiful place in our marriage and with our journey with God, as a couple. We felt God was pulling us in a direction and we couldn't figure out what it was. We prayed and prayed and waited. There was no 'God told me' moment, but there were doors that opened that lead Zach to join the Navy. We felt that God was calling us to do this, but I have recently had my doubts.
Why would God call us to lead separate lives? Why would He want us to be apart from each other? Why would He want any separation in what He has joined together? I've asked myself these questions over and over and I've only come up with one response.
"For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." Jer. 29:11-13
The response is that there is no answer; not yet anyway. God knows what He's doing. I don't like the way things look right now, but I can't see the whole picture. I've always believed God put Zach and I together to grow closer to Him, and we have. But now we must grow closer to Him without each other.
It literally kills me to think that Zach and I are growing apart. I mean we are living completely separate lives, how can we not? I just pray that Zach is trying to grow closer to God as we are apart, because the only way we can grow closer while we're apart is by growing closer to Him. If we are both striving to get to Him then we will be growing together without actually physically being together.
I am praying that our time apart from each other will come to a close soon and that our relationship can get back to 'normal'. Which is going to be completely different now, but at least we will be together. There is no clear answer to this struggle I'm in right now, but I do know that some how, some way I will make it through with God at my side. He can sustain our marriage even through the hardest times and the lowest lows.
Please say a prayer for all the military couples that are working hard to keep their marriages going even though they are separated. Pray that God will sustain them and bind them together in Him until they can physically be together again.
♥ Ashley
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Replaceable
Today I am feeling replaceable. I always try to start the new year off thinking positively, but today I just couldn't shake the feeling that I am replaceable. These last months have been a doozy, and have caused me to feel replaceable.
The only thing I can do is remember that I am not replaceable to God. He knew me before I was formed and He is still walking right next to me.
"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us (me) from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39
This verse is getting me through today and probably many more days in my future. 'Nor any other created thing', like loneliness, exasperation, 'replaceablity'; nothing can separate me from God's love. I am so unbelievably grateful for this. When nothing else can ease your soul He can, and that's all I need.
♥ Ashley
The only thing I can do is remember that I am not replaceable to God. He knew me before I was formed and He is still walking right next to me.
"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us (me) from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39
This verse is getting me through today and probably many more days in my future. 'Nor any other created thing', like loneliness, exasperation, 'replaceablity'; nothing can separate me from God's love. I am so unbelievably grateful for this. When nothing else can ease your soul He can, and that's all I need.
♥ Ashley
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Life Changing
There are few things in my life that have actually been life changing. I really don't consider when I got married or when I had kids life changing, because they both felt so natural, like they came easily to me. When I think of something life changing it's something that you have to work at, learn how to deal with it, and try to understand how to go on with this new thing (good or bad) in your life.
When I was younger I was faced with a couple of life changing events. These events caused me to become super independent and I learned to rely only on myself (not always a good thing). When I met Zachary and we began to fall in love, this too was life changing. I had to figure out a way to be less independent, to let my walls come crumbling down. So, in my lifetime I had had only a couple of life changing events, until Zach left for the Navy.
I didn't think this event would be life changing, but boy was I wrong. I had become so dependent on Zach because I had let my walls fall down for him completely(which is a good thing!). Now it felt like I was having to rebuild some of those walls. I had spoken to Zach every single day for the past eight years; when he left for bootcamp there was no contact whatsoever. I never realized just how much Zach telling me he loved me everyday meant. I had taken it for granted, that's for sure. When I wasn't able to hear him say it everyday I started doubting it and wondering if his love for me was changing since everything else was changing for him and I was stuck in our 'old' life. I knew my love for him was growing stronger because I missed him so much. I had to learn to trust that our love was still as vibrant as the day we said goodbye and had our last kiss for awhile.
I had to learn how to coupe with everyday things on my own, whereas for the past four years we had attacked this parent thing together. It's the simple moments that I learned made the biggest difference in each day, because he was there to help. I had to learn to rely on myself again, and to be honest, I hated this part the most.
It took me years to adjust to living life with Zach. I had to learn to let go and rely on him and not be so independent. So when he wasn't here I felt like I was moving backwards. Like I was learning to be independent again. I didn't realize just how much I depended on Zach until he was out of the picture 24/7. I feel like he is literally my heartbeat. He is my everything, and learning to live without him, for now, was gut wrenching.
Now I get to see him and talk to him, and I get to start the process all over again. Learning to not be so independent, again. I feel like I was just getting to a good point with it and now it's time to change again.
I never realized just how difficult this whole military thing is when you have a family and kids. It is literally life changing. So I'm sorry to all my friends who I didn't support enough while your spouses were away from you. I think it's just one of those things in life you'll just never understand unless you've actually been through it. So, please pray for everyone serving in our military and their families back home that are going through life changing moments constantly.
God has given me the strength to go on while Zach has been away, and I want to share that with everyone I can. Sometimes when you have no strength left He blesses you with just enough to make it through.
♥
Ashley
When I was younger I was faced with a couple of life changing events. These events caused me to become super independent and I learned to rely only on myself (not always a good thing). When I met Zachary and we began to fall in love, this too was life changing. I had to figure out a way to be less independent, to let my walls come crumbling down. So, in my lifetime I had had only a couple of life changing events, until Zach left for the Navy.
I didn't think this event would be life changing, but boy was I wrong. I had become so dependent on Zach because I had let my walls fall down for him completely(which is a good thing!). Now it felt like I was having to rebuild some of those walls. I had spoken to Zach every single day for the past eight years; when he left for bootcamp there was no contact whatsoever. I never realized just how much Zach telling me he loved me everyday meant. I had taken it for granted, that's for sure. When I wasn't able to hear him say it everyday I started doubting it and wondering if his love for me was changing since everything else was changing for him and I was stuck in our 'old' life. I knew my love for him was growing stronger because I missed him so much. I had to learn to trust that our love was still as vibrant as the day we said goodbye and had our last kiss for awhile.
I had to learn how to coupe with everyday things on my own, whereas for the past four years we had attacked this parent thing together. It's the simple moments that I learned made the biggest difference in each day, because he was there to help. I had to learn to rely on myself again, and to be honest, I hated this part the most.
It took me years to adjust to living life with Zach. I had to learn to let go and rely on him and not be so independent. So when he wasn't here I felt like I was moving backwards. Like I was learning to be independent again. I didn't realize just how much I depended on Zach until he was out of the picture 24/7. I feel like he is literally my heartbeat. He is my everything, and learning to live without him, for now, was gut wrenching.
Now I get to see him and talk to him, and I get to start the process all over again. Learning to not be so independent, again. I feel like I was just getting to a good point with it and now it's time to change again.
I never realized just how difficult this whole military thing is when you have a family and kids. It is literally life changing. So I'm sorry to all my friends who I didn't support enough while your spouses were away from you. I think it's just one of those things in life you'll just never understand unless you've actually been through it. So, please pray for everyone serving in our military and their families back home that are going through life changing moments constantly.
God has given me the strength to go on while Zach has been away, and I want to share that with everyone I can. Sometimes when you have no strength left He blesses you with just enough to make it through.
♥
Ashley
Monday, November 19, 2012
Perception IS Everything
Tonight I was discussing the appropriateness of something and the other person said, "Well, it doesn't matter how other people perceive it as long as we have good intentions." I didn't know really what to say, because I've always thought that as a Christian the way other people perceive me is crucial to the way I am sowing the seed of the Kingdom of God.
The definition of perceive is, "to grasp mentally, take note (of); observe." ((Webster)) So as we go about our daily walk with God shouldn't we be doing things that make other people 'take note' of God, not question whether we are a Christian or not.
God tells us in Matthew 5:16, "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven."
We want our lights, our faith, to shine in everything we do here on this Earth, not just when we are verbally testifying to others. We should be striving for the people around us to be perceiving us as light. That's the only way we will be able to share the Good News with them.
If I know something is questionable in the way it could be perceived, does that mean I go ahead and do it because my intentions are pure, they just might not be perceived as pure, but that's not my fault. Surely not! Let us always strive to do good and be perceived as light in this dark world. Let's not ride the fence of good and evil, and just hope we're perceived as good. Let us glorify God in all that we do and let the perception that we give off to others be that of love and of forgiveness; but mainly just let them observe (perceive) the Son reflecting through us.
♥
Ashley
The definition of perceive is, "to grasp mentally, take note (of); observe." ((Webster)) So as we go about our daily walk with God shouldn't we be doing things that make other people 'take note' of God, not question whether we are a Christian or not.
God tells us in Matthew 5:16, "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven."
We want our lights, our faith, to shine in everything we do here on this Earth, not just when we are verbally testifying to others. We should be striving for the people around us to be perceiving us as light. That's the only way we will be able to share the Good News with them.
If I know something is questionable in the way it could be perceived, does that mean I go ahead and do it because my intentions are pure, they just might not be perceived as pure, but that's not my fault. Surely not! Let us always strive to do good and be perceived as light in this dark world. Let's not ride the fence of good and evil, and just hope we're perceived as good. Let us glorify God in all that we do and let the perception that we give off to others be that of love and of forgiveness; but mainly just let them observe (perceive) the Son reflecting through us.
♥
Ashley
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Who Invented That?!
Today, I was watching a show on the Qubo channel with Adasen and they were traveling back in time to visit some of the great inventors of history.
They found the inventors for the lightbulb, the telephone, electricity, etc etc. This got me thinking about our bodies. Who 'invented' our bodies??
When anyone looks at a radio they know that someone in the past invented it. No one would question that or even think that some time in the past the pieces of metal somehow randomly formed the radio by themselves. Someone had to come up with the idea and then figure out what materials they needed to put together to make a music playing device. But when some people look at our bodies they don't say 'who invented this?' Isn't that just plain old common sense to ask who invented this super detailed body??
Who invented my eyeball so that I am able to see the world around me and allow me to see all the colors of the spectrum? Anyone would agree that the contacts you put in your eyeballs or the glasses you put on your nose were invented by someone to help us see better. So, why would we not ask, who invented the eyeball? Someone surely did with all the tiny parts that work together to allow us to see the world.
I think since doctors and scientist can't find all the functions of our bodies and how to cure them; they will always think no one was, or is, smart enough to have 'invented' us. I just want them to meet my all-powerful, almighty God. He's the only one smart enough to 'invent' our bodies here on earth. I just want them to spend one day with Him. Then they will understand that there was a Great Inventor at the beginning of time, and His name was and still is Jehovah God.
♥
Ashley
They found the inventors for the lightbulb, the telephone, electricity, etc etc. This got me thinking about our bodies. Who 'invented' our bodies??
When anyone looks at a radio they know that someone in the past invented it. No one would question that or even think that some time in the past the pieces of metal somehow randomly formed the radio by themselves. Someone had to come up with the idea and then figure out what materials they needed to put together to make a music playing device. But when some people look at our bodies they don't say 'who invented this?' Isn't that just plain old common sense to ask who invented this super detailed body??
Who invented my eyeball so that I am able to see the world around me and allow me to see all the colors of the spectrum? Anyone would agree that the contacts you put in your eyeballs or the glasses you put on your nose were invented by someone to help us see better. So, why would we not ask, who invented the eyeball? Someone surely did with all the tiny parts that work together to allow us to see the world.
I think since doctors and scientist can't find all the functions of our bodies and how to cure them; they will always think no one was, or is, smart enough to have 'invented' us. I just want them to meet my all-powerful, almighty God. He's the only one smart enough to 'invent' our bodies here on earth. I just want them to spend one day with Him. Then they will understand that there was a Great Inventor at the beginning of time, and His name was and still is Jehovah God.
♥
Ashley
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Grudgingly
I mess up as a Mom so many times per day it's not even funny! But, there is one thing I have done right that I can see shaping Adasen's heart already, so I wanted to share. Please, please note though that we are definitely not perfect and never will be.
Yesterday, while in the car Adasen asked me for a dollar. He just kept holding it and staring out the window, so I asked him what he needed that dollar for. He said,"I saw a lady that needed some money back there so on our way back I'm going to give it to her." I almost cried, but it was funny too because she was holding a sign for a pizza place, not homeless. :o) But it really showed me that even if that's all I get right in this parenting thing I'll be okay.
You see, every time we see a homeless person or someone asking for money we always stop to give them something and I let Adasen or Owen hand them the money or whatever we happen to have that day.
I've heard a lot of people say, oh they'll just use it on booze. Which is probably true, but I also know I'm not giving them my life savings, I'm just give them 10 bucks.
I used to think the same thing too, but I never knew what to do because I felt like I needed to be doing something. In 2 Cor. 9:7 it says to give, without grudging. I feel like back then I was holding a grudge against these people standing at corners, because 'they'll just spend it on booze anyway.' Thats a grudge. I just need to have the heart of giving and not worry about what the outcome is. Maybe it will be for booze but maybe it'll be for some diapers or formula, you just never know and that is OKAY!! After you've given without grudging you've done your part, don't even think about how they'll use it, that's between Him and that person.
So, I urge you fellow parents, to bring you kids up with a giving heart. Giving, hearts that give: money, time, clothes, toys, and most importantly love. That's really what you're showing that person, love.
♥ Ashley
Yesterday, while in the car Adasen asked me for a dollar. He just kept holding it and staring out the window, so I asked him what he needed that dollar for. He said,"I saw a lady that needed some money back there so on our way back I'm going to give it to her." I almost cried, but it was funny too because she was holding a sign for a pizza place, not homeless. :o) But it really showed me that even if that's all I get right in this parenting thing I'll be okay.
You see, every time we see a homeless person or someone asking for money we always stop to give them something and I let Adasen or Owen hand them the money or whatever we happen to have that day.
I've heard a lot of people say, oh they'll just use it on booze. Which is probably true, but I also know I'm not giving them my life savings, I'm just give them 10 bucks.
I used to think the same thing too, but I never knew what to do because I felt like I needed to be doing something. In 2 Cor. 9:7 it says to give, without grudging. I feel like back then I was holding a grudge against these people standing at corners, because 'they'll just spend it on booze anyway.' Thats a grudge. I just need to have the heart of giving and not worry about what the outcome is. Maybe it will be for booze but maybe it'll be for some diapers or formula, you just never know and that is OKAY!! After you've given without grudging you've done your part, don't even think about how they'll use it, that's between Him and that person.
So, I urge you fellow parents, to bring you kids up with a giving heart. Giving, hearts that give: money, time, clothes, toys, and most importantly love. That's really what you're showing that person, love.
♥ Ashley
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
No, Listen To This...
Tonight, in my three year old Bible class one of the kids brought up the fact that she got an 'ouchie' and she wanted me to look at it. Just as soon as she had said it the others 5 kids started in at the exact same time, 'no, look at mine.' 'I got this while...' 'Look at what I did last week.' 'Well, look at mine, it's bigger.' I just sat there listening and thought, isn't this how we all are still as adults? And it is.
I notice a lot that when someone is telling us about their children that someone will pipe up with the, 'well my kid did this...' I actually find this super annoying. Someone is trying to tell you a story that had a meaning and then it gets interrupted by someone trying to get attention. Who cares who's getting the most 'attention.' You will definitely get the person who is telling you that stories attention if you simply listen to them. They will notice that you have respect and an attention span and that you are a great listener.
So, this week if you catch yourself interrupting with a 'well listen to me story' just stop and put your listening ears on. :o)
♥
Ashley
I notice a lot that when someone is telling us about their children that someone will pipe up with the, 'well my kid did this...' I actually find this super annoying. Someone is trying to tell you a story that had a meaning and then it gets interrupted by someone trying to get attention. Who cares who's getting the most 'attention.' You will definitely get the person who is telling you that stories attention if you simply listen to them. They will notice that you have respect and an attention span and that you are a great listener.
So, this week if you catch yourself interrupting with a 'well listen to me story' just stop and put your listening ears on. :o)
♥
Ashley
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