HE Knows

A lot, of people have asked me "How are you?" and you know, right now I'm okay.  I'm used to this part.  I'm used to saying goodbye. I'm used to the heartache of the first few days.  I'm used to finding a new groove without him here. I'm used to all of this. Once we get into this for more than 4 months, that's when I'm going to be finding my way through new territory. This deployment has been looming over our heads for 2 years. Zach's been going in and out to sea the entire time just to get the ship ready to stay out for this long one.  During this time I've had a lot of time to think about it. 

God has helped me through every situation in my life so far and I can always see how He is there helping me and giving me strength to make it.  I have always had one little kink in my faith when it comes to this new adventure in my life though...Jesus knows all our woes because He came to earth and experienced them. We are told this in Hebrews 2:18, "Therefore He had to be made like His brethren in all things, so that He might become a merciful and faithful high priest in things pertaining to God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people." But how does He know how I'm feeling? He wasn't married.  He didn't have a 'love of his life', so how does He understand this pain I'm in?  How can He understand what I'm going through if He's never had to long for someone before?

And then it hit me just yesterday after these 2 years of  "this isn't fair" and "no one understands what I'm feeling." Jesus understands exactly what I've been feeling because He had to leave Heaven and come down here to Earth.  He was longing for His home for 33 years and here I am complaining about 9 months...

Don't you think Jesus missed Heaven? Don't you think He longed for the presence of God?  He knew what it was like to be with God Almighty and yet He had to come down here and live a life like us so that we could one day be in the presence of God with Him.  He says in John 14:2, ^"In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you." Don't you think He missed those mansions?  Jesus gave up everything  to come down here to save you and me.  I think I can trust Him to get me through anything that this life throws at me.  And I think I can trust that He understands what my longing for Zach feels like, because I'm sure my longing is miniscule in comparison to the longing Christ had for the presence of God while He was down here on Earth. 

No matter what you're going through, no matter how big or how small Jesus understands how you are feeling. And if He understands how you are feeling then He will 100% be able to help you make it through.  Jesus loves you and He proved it not only by dying on a cross for your sins, but by leaving the presence of our Almighty God and longing to be back there with Him for 33 years. 

If something is weighing you down, share it with Jesus.  He will help you carry your load.

Ashley

It's Okay To Be Weak

"It's okay you're strong enough."

I've heard this so many times these last few weeks, but in my mind I think, "that doesn't make me OKAY though. Just because I'm strong doesn't mean I want to be away from the love of my life for nearly a year." But then I think, what if they're wrong though,  what if I'm not strong enough. What if my fears and anxieties take ahold of me and I can control them. What if I get bombarded by the daily routines and just want to run away? What if I can't fall asleep another night without him? And to be completely open I have a big weakness, not something that would happen to a "strong" person. I have panic attacks. They are mild ones but they are still gripping.

I'd never had a panic attack until Zach had been in bootcamp for a bit. He had been there for about three weeks and I hadn't heard a thing from him or how he was doing.  There were so many thoughts and fears racing through my head all the time, but then at times they became silent and I couldn't breathe.

They always came upon me in a crowded place or a place where we would normally have had to find each other. The first one was at Walmart. I was crossing things off my list and then all of a sudden the wind was knocked from my chest and all I could hear was myself whispering, Zach, Zach. Over and over and over again. That's all that I could think. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move. After what seemed like forever, I finally found enough strength to cry out to God for Him to help me breathe again. "Please just help me inhale." I literally would have to think about how to do it, because the only thing my mind was thinking was, Zach; over and over and over again.

It took me over 3 months to work through these gripping attacks. There were no warning signs though so it was hard to stop them. Once I was with Zach again in Pensacola they stopped. 

Zach's presence does that for me, it calms me to my very core. When I met Zach I had a huge stonewall built around my heart and he broke those walls down and showed me what true love really is. (It did take him awhile, I mean I did hang up on him the first time he told me he loved me. Haha.) So when he left for the Navy my heart was left wide open without any protection around it. And that's when the attacks started.

When we came to Norfolk and his ship started to go in and out I started to have them again. But this time I know exactly when they'll happen. Every time I drive to the HRBT, the tunnel, I get a perfect view of his ship, but when it's gone all I see is a huge empty spot and it triggers one every.single.time. It's like someone kicks me in the stomach, reminding me he's not here. I feel like I've almost worked through these, but I still get them.

All I can think is, I'm not strong enough for him to be gone so long, but you know what? That's okay, I don't have to be.

"But He says to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast the more gladly about my weaknesses,  so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

God's power is going to be perfect while I'm weak and His grace is going to be sufficient for when I have my weakest moments of panic. His strength is what will get me through this lonely, fearful, sobering time, not my own strength, but His perfected in me.

No matter how strong I am it will never be strong enough to make me WANT to be away from my best half for nearly a year. I'll never be strong enough to WANT to raise our kids on my own for nearly a year. I'll never be strong enough to WANT to sleep alone for so many painful nights.

So for now I'm settling my soul with the knowledge that I'll never be strong enough for this, but with His help and His strength I can make it through this time without my best friend, my partner in crime, my heartbeat.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philipians 4:13

AND

"When I am afraid, I will trust in You." Psalms 56:3

That's really all I can do...just trust Him.

Ashley

Two Are Better Than One

Some days are hard, actually some days are excruciating. It's honestly hard to explain to people who don't have a spouse in the military.  Yeah, I know other jobs take you away from each other and I know that everyone has hard days, but it's honestly a pain I have never felt before in my life.  And when  you talk to another military wife about it, they get tears in their eyes because they know. 

When your husband leaves it takes a few days to "get used to not having them again."  These are usually the worst because you're mad, sad, frustrated, scared, exhausted, hopeful, eager, and  depressed all at the exact same time.  You're trying to keep the life you have built together in place with only you in charge of it. You're trying to be so strong so your kids see that everything is going to be okay. After those first few days the emotions finally even out and they just come in waves, but not usually all at the same time.  Then you get used to the routine of your life again and then it hits you...you're okay without them... Then you get that swell of all  the emotions all at once again.

You're mad because how in the world could you be 'okay' without him. You're sad because how could your heart become so calloused. You're frustrated because you don't want to be doing it all alone. You're scared because this might be how it ends up after all, he might not come back. You're exhausted because you've been giving all your extra strength to your kids and holding them as they cry because Daddy's gone.  You're hopeful that they will be coming back to you and you're definitely eager because we could use them back at anytime now. And then you're depressed because you realize you are doing this alone and it's not some time warp, this is your life and a lot of it is passing on without them by your side.

It's so hard to not let these emotions get the best of you.  We all have our moments and we all cry out to God and (I think) we all cry in the shower so our kids don't see us, at least I do.  These moments are so stressful and so heartbreaking and it's in these moments that I think God knew we would need someone there to help us, to hold us and that is why He gave us other military wives.  We all have that one that we can just look at and they'll know and they can hug us and it doesn't bring back our husbands but in that hug we know we are not alone and no one is in a time warp. We are all living this life without our favorite person in the world one slow day at a time. 

I know Ecclesiastes 4:9 is usually quoted for married couples and rightly so, but I think when us military wives are on the home front alone it applies to us too. The NLT states it, "Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed."

I am thanking God today for those that He has put in my life here in Virginia.  He knew exactly what He was up to.  Together we can help each other succeed in our lives and in our children's lives while the leader of our home is away.  And I hope if you haven't found that one friend that gets you through everything reach out and meet new people so that maybe one of them will be your new helper in this crazy thing we call life. 

Ashley

Merry Christmas

I don't celebrate Christmas as Christ's birth. There I said it, there's my confession for the day. I honestly always feel bad when I say this because I think people think of me as 'less' religious, but if you know me I don't do things to 'go with the flow'.

My family never has celebrated Christmas as the birth of Christ and I always knew why, because the Bible doesn't say the day He was born and that's okay. But that's not what this post is about. It's not to argue why I don't celebrate it, it's to explain why I think it's an amazing time to share the gospel.

As I've gotten older I have seen the amazing opportunity that this time of year gives us who are trying to reach others all year round, but their hearts just aren't open. Well, guess what, their hearts are more prone to being open for Jesus around this time of year and I think a lot of us miss this great opportunity by making sure others know we don't think Jesus was born on Christmas day.

I've heard people talk to strangers about Christmas while out at store or at the mall, but when Christ is mentioned they always go straight to 'well I don't believe He was born on Christmas.' The door was open, the harvest was white, but we shut everything down because we inserted our personal agenda of making sure they know you don't celebrate Christmas for that reason. Does it really matter?? Can you bring that little tidbit of info in after you've had a great conversation about Christ? After all they brought Him up, whether it was about His 'birthday' or not isn't relevant.  Start telling them how big of a blessing He is to you each and every day of the year.  Tell them that you're so grateful that His love covers a multitude of your shortcomings. Show them how excited you are about Jesus instead of trying to defend yourself straight away. There will be time for that later. Your job is just to bring them to Jesus, teach them more about His life, and more importantly about His resurrection into new life.

I understand we all want to defend ourselves and some might even think they're defending Christ, but I think He would be happier if you were able to lead someone to His fullness instead of just His birth because you didn't put a huge stop sign up at the beginning of your conversation.

"I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields. They are ripe for harvest." John 4:35b

Let's take this blessed time of year when people's hearts are more prone to talk about Jesus to actually talk about Him while they're ready. Don't let a silly roadblock get in your way.

Ashley

P.S.- If you're wondering why I don't celebrate Christmas for Christ's birth I'll be glad to give you my reasons, it just wasn't my main point in this article.  :)

That Moment Is Here

I've been thinking about this moment for awhile. The moment when I let go of my first precious one and send him off into the world. Of course it's not forever. It's only for a few hours; 6 hours and 25 mins to be exact.

I've kept him as long as his exuberant spirit would let me. Adasen is made to be around others. For things like saying hi to random people walking by. Things like asking random people if they're okay because they coughed. Things like holding the door open for the next twenty people after me. These are the things Adasen is made for.

I've prepped him, guided him, corrected him, punished him, encouraged him, held him, and tried to teach him the best I could. Will he be ready for every situation that arises at school? No. Will he always be polite and kind? Probably not, but I hope he always remembers that there is someone waiting at home to give him a huge hug and smooch no matter what the day has brought him. I hope he knows that his God is always with him and he shouldn't be scared.

Some of his innocence will be shaved away as he enters 'the real world'. Some of his soft spots will be hardened, but we all must go through this process. Finding our way in this world will a lot of help from the people around us.

I keep thinking that maybe I should have continued homeschooling him. Maybe he's not ready yet. Maybe I haven't taught him the key things he needs to know. Maybe I haven't given him enough smooches or told him I love him enough. But you know what else I keep remembering? Psalm 127: 3-5, "Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from Him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in ones youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their components in court."

Children aren't something to keep to ourselves. Are arrows meant to be kept in the quiver? No, arrows are meant for shooting out, away from us for their intended purpose.  We as parents all make our own decision on when we 'shoot them out' and sometimes we might change our minds and decide homeschooling is the best option for us. Our family is going into this school year openmindedly. I pray every night that this is the right decision for Adasen. He's not old enough to make his own decision about this, it's up to us. For me it's been a very weighted decision and honestly I'm still not quite sure what the right answer is.

For now I'm shooting my outgoing little arrow into this world. He'll still come back to me every night. He might have changed a bit but he'll still be mine. One day he'll leave for good and I hope that all the decisions that Zach and I have made for him will have been for his betterment.  I pray that he has been blessed by the experiences that we have chosen for him.

Be blessed my shooting star, be blessed.

Ashley

I Can't Wait

So, I've been having a few 'can't wait' moments lately. I usually don't, but I have been recently. Sometimes I just can't wait to be teaching again. I honestly feel like teaching kids is what God put me on this earth to do. I know, I know I teach my kids everyday at home, but it's not the same as having a classroom full of 6th graders and daring them to touch the worms (even though I would NEVER do that). ;) It's not the same as walking them down the hall in a line as I walk backwards without missing a step (okay maybe sometimes I do). It's not the same as going out to recess and blowing a whistle when I need everyone's attention on me. As many similarities as staying at home with my kids has with being a teacher it's just not the same and I miss it. I miss it a lot.

I feel bad when I think this way, but then I think, that's awesome! That means getting a teaching degree was a great way to spend all my student loans. (Ahhh) But seriously, at least I know I have found what I truly love doing. But right now I know God has called me to stay at home with my babies and that is okay. Sometimes I feel like I should be doing 'more', but I do realize that in reality I am doing more for my family right now by staying at home with my littles. I do have to reign myself in when I get these great ideas for my future classroom, because it's gonna be awhile.

This whole 'stay-at-home-mom' thing kinda took me by surprise. I mean I have always known I've wanted to stay home with my children, but I didn't realize how hard it would be to give up my dreams of being a teacher as well. I didn't know I would get jealous when I see pictures of my friends classrooms all ready for a new school year. It has been very humbling for me to put that off for awhile and to stay home during this time in my life. I know my babies won't be babies long and I don't want to miss a second of it.

Most of all I know it's my responsibility to teach them about God. Not the 'rules and regulations' of God, but actually ABOUT God. To see Him in nature,  to see Him in a song, to see Him in the eyes of their siblings, to see Him in the eyes of the homeless. To literally teach them that God is all around us and we must open our eyes to see the massive love He has for all of us. To teach them that God is love, because if I miss that early on it will be much harder when their hearts aren't so tender.

Ashley

PS-- I have a lot of friends who have children and teach so please don't take my thoughts the wrong way. That's what is best for your family and I'm so proud of you.

I'm A Bad Parent

How many times have you thought,  "I'm a bad parent." I've thought it a lot. I'm constantly critiquing myself in all that I do, so obviously it has carried over into parenting as well. I think this is healthy; to step back and make sure you're doing things right or maybe realize you need to work on certain areas of your parenting.

These last two weeks have been monstrous to say the least. I mean I really don't like to complain, but I felt at times like I didn't know how I could possibly make it to bedtime. I was terribly sick (ear infection, sinus infection, and strep throat) and I had three kids to keep alive and happy, all while my husband was out to sea. On top of my sickness my 6 month old decided she would wake up every two hours, every.single.night. There were many days when I thought, "I am a bad parent."

I just made my kids watch TV all day so that I could be still, I'm a bad parent. We had baked potatoes for 3 nights in a row, I'm a bad parent. The boys had ramen noodles more often this week than they usually do in 2 months, I'm a bad parent. I yelled at Owen because he just keeps yelling and it makes every ounce of me hurt, I'm a bad parent. I made Adasen sit on the floor in my room and play with Opal while I tried to get a bit more sleep with a pillow over my head, I'm a bad parent. 

With each of these moments and many, many more I just felt defeated as a mom. Like I just wasn't up to par, but you know what I realized? That's completely okay, because His grace is sufficient for me. Even in my parenting abilities His grace is sufficient for me.

"For He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

I realized that for everything I was feeling bad about there was something good I had done also. I still let Owen help 'make' dinner by washing off the potatoes,  because he loves to help me. I still let the boys jump out of the tub when I put their Spiderman towel on them, because they think it's the most fun thing ever. I still read Owen the book he wanted me to read three times,  even though my throat was killing me. I still sat and rocked my baby girl and sang to her at 3 am even though I felt like I couldn't keep my eyes open a second longer. For everything that I thought I was doing so badly there was still something good that I was doing too. And that's all because His grace is sufficient for me.

Even though I have my bad mom moments He gives me the grace to pick that up and start over. He let's me try again and again, because He is so merciful. 

If you're struggling with the thought that your a bad parent just remember,  His grace is sufficient for all of us. Maybe you didn't have your best parenting day, but you know what, dust yourself off and think of the good things you have done today. And for all those bad moments, His grace has got you covered,  just try to do better next time. He still loves you and so do your babies.

Ashley