Talking To The Moon

I will always be 100% honest and real about my feelings on here. After all this is my blog, I'm not holding my feelings back about this thing we call military life.  I can't always say what's going on or where Zach is, but my emotions, that's something I can share.

Something I think a lot of non-military spouses don't understand is that a lot of the time there's no communication.  Zach and I have already experienced this a lot and he hasn't even been in for an entire year yet.  We haven't gone through a deployment or anything,  this is just normal hum-drum military life so far. 

When Zach is out, we can't talk.  There are no cell phones,  no Skype,  nothing.  Well, not nothing. He was out for two weeks and I got one email about a week and a day into it.  Saying he was okay,  not what he's been doing or asking any questions,  because more than likely he won't be able to read my reply. 

There are so many moments I want to tell him about, but by the time I can talk to him hundreds of moments worth telling him about have gone by.  That's why I keep a journal.  He'll read it one day and it won't be the same as having been there or having been told the night it happened,  but at least I got to tell someone. 

I saw this song, Talking To The Moon, on someones Instagram and listened to it.  It explains how it is being a military wife. (Not the intended meaning I'm sure.) You only have the moon to talk to and hope that somehow the messages are getting through.  (Unless you have my husband who responds,  'I don't get to see the moon.' Which I respond with,  'Well the moon sees your ship...')

So, I still say goodnight to the moon and send a kiss,  even if the moon doesn't see Zach.  In this age with so much technology you would think we could keep in touch much better, but it's just not the way it is for us military families. 

At least we still have the moon. 

Ashley

Fight For Your Children

Fight for your children, it seems simple enough right? But it's not easy, it's hard and it's becoming even harder as our country gets farther away from the Christian values it once had. I see parents around me giving up on the fight for their kids, because it is exhausting and it can be redundant and most of the time we probably feel as if we are fighting WITH our kids, not FOR them.

Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way he should go..." This verse is telling us as Christian parents that we must teach our children the way they should go. This verse doesn't say 'the way their friends are going', 'the way society is going', or 'the way the fashion industry is going.' It says the way they SHOULD go. This means they're not going to know how to go about in this world and it's our job as their parents to fight some battles for them and show them the right way to navigate in this world. 

For me now, this means teaching my young ones to share what we have, even if parents around us don't teach their children the same. It's teaching them 'yes ma'am' and 'yes sir', even though that's old fashion. It's teaching them that they have to obey me even if they growl at me because they don't want to. I have to fight through these small battles now so that they don't turn into bigger ones later. I have to show them the way they SHOULD go not the way their little minds think they need to be going.

I can already see how this battle for our kids is going to get harder as they get older, but are we going to make them fight this battle alone? Are we going to give up on them and give into the things around us so it's easier for us as their parents?

I beg you parents to fight for your teenagers even if it just seems that you're fighting with them. You're not, you're fighting for them and they will thank you later. 

Fight for your daughters who want to wear super short shorts because 'that's all you can find in the stores.' Fight for her and look through as many stores as you have to until you can find a pair that her bottom doesn't hang out of when she bends over. She will most likely see this as you fighting against her, but you're not, you're fighting FOR her and she will see it one day. 

When your teen boy (or girl) posts inappropriate things or uses his phone in inappropriate ways, fight for him. Take his phone away. He'll be just fine without it. Yes, he will see this as you fighting with him, but you're not, you're fighting FOR him. Don't take the easy way out and say, "Well everyone else is doing the same or worse." You're not responsible for bringing those other kids up in the way they should go, but you are responsible for teaching your children which way is right.

We give up too easily as a society in general these days. We all just want to blend in with the crowd and if everyone else is doing it then it must be the way to go. We as parents think this way much too often, but we can't. Our children think like that too and they need someone to fight for them and teach them that it might not be okay just because everyone else is doing it. We have to teach them the way they should go, not the way they want to go. So, yes it will be a struggle. And, yes, it will seem like you're fighting against them and with them, when in reality you are fighting a battle FOR them; so that they won't have to figure out the battle plan all on their own. 

As parents, let's use all our energy and be completely exhausted fighting for our kids. I'd rather use all my resources now than look back and wonder what I could have done differently. Let's train our children in the way they should go.

Transition

I, seriously, hate to complain, but this is getting ridiculous. I have been waiting for over half a year to have a 'normal' home-setting for my boys, and quite frankly for myself as well. Adasen just told someone last week that we live in a hotel. It made me sad to hear him say that.

We started this chaotic journey last October, but at least we still had a home... Now we are just in limbo and I would like to be done with this transition already. Someone at a church we were visiting said, "They will get better, they are just in transition right now." She said this after the tiring service I had just been through with the boys. I wanted to say, "Yeah it's been rough on all three of us these last 8 months of transition. I'm not quite sure how I made it through the service myself."

I didn't take her comment as rude, just someone trying to give me some kind of hope I guess. But it did make me think about people who don't have a 'normal' life ever. People who are transitioning throughout their entire lives. How can they hold it together? My insides feel like complete chaos and it's wearing me down quickly. How can these people make it through life feeling this way? 

It really makes me want to reach out to those who are homeless, who need something in their life that is normal. Maybe it's a sandwich for lunch during the week or maybe it could be story time at a homeless shelter for the kids. Something they can depend on; something that isn't chaotic. Maybe I can begin with something small, saying a prayer each night for the parents that are raising kids in transition. Raising kids is hard, let alone when you don't have a place to call home for them. 

I will definitely be adding these parents

to my prayer list and the children as well. That their insides won't feel so chaotic

and that they can, one day, have a place of consistency in their lives. 

Thank you God that I will one day have a 'normal' home again. Hopefully it will be before I get to Heaven, but I know for some people that might be their only chance. Thank you for assuring us of a peaceful home with You in Heaven.

♥ Ashley

Heartache

Amy Frost. That name will be in my memory for a very long time, if not for the rest of my life. I have prayed constantly for her over the last three days, and I don't even know her. I know 'of' her through Instagram.

I'm friends with a lot of 'milsos', as we're called (military significant others), on Instagram and I saw her story on Tuesday morning. There had been an accident where her boyfriend was training with the Marines and she hadn't heard if he was safe. It turns out that he wasn't. He was one of the soldiers who died in the accident, David Fenn II.

I cannot even begin to tell you how much this broke my heart. She had been putting pictures up over the past weeks saying how many days were left until she would be able to see him, hold him. I did the exact same thing while Zach was away from me.

This is the first time, since Zach joined the military, that I came face to face with my biggest fear. I've never spoken it or really even thought it out-loud; I could lose Zach.

You see, Amy did the same thing I did and will do... Count down the days while her man did his duty, and she waited. That's all we can do, wait. There's nothing we can do to protect them; there's nothing we can do to insure that they make it back to us. We are completely helpless in that regard, and that is terrifying. Unbelievably, terrifying. I, honestly, don't know how anyone can get through these thoughts and gut wrenching moments without God.

Without God I honestly think I would have turned to something else. The nights when I couldn't bare the distance or the silence anymore. I'm sure there's something that would have numbed my pain for that moment.

I am so grateful that I already had a relationship with God, because He was my strength in those moments. He didn't numb the pain, He simply held me and allowed me to keep breathing, until the fear and anxiety had passed. That's really all I could ask for in those moments, just for Him to allow me to catch my breath.

God is the only thing in this world that is constant. He will never change. Everything else in our lives can change in just a brief moment, as Amy has experienced this week. She is experiencing one of the biggest, if not THE biggest, change that this life could throw at us; the loss of half of you.

Amy, I hope you can feel God's arms around you. He won't numb the pain that you're feeling, but He will hold you and allow you to catch your breath when you feel like you can't. He will sustain you through your pain. Please know that you are on my heart and in my prayers. You were my first brush with fear in this whole military thing. You've made me realize that no one is guaranteed anything, but God will be with me, as He is with you, through every single curve ball.

I hope that everyone can see how much they need something constant in their lives, something that never changes. I hope that anyone dealing with pain will come to the realization that God will always be there for them no matter what. He will not take the pain and heartache away, but He will sustain you through the tears and the long nights. He will be right by your side.

♥ Ashley

He Has A Plan

Lately, I have been feeling, kind of, lost. I never could have dreamed up where I am now in my life. Where I am is definitely far from anything I ever planned for my life or for my marriage.

It's so hard to talk about your marriage. It is something sacred and many parts of it, I do believe, are best kept in between the two that have become one. Sometimes, though, I feel like it's good to talk about the 'not so good' parts so others know that having ups and downs is a completely normal.

Lately, I have felt like my marriage has been put on hold. For the first two months of Zach's 'military career' we spoke two times. Two times... Obviously we are both living our lives separately, not necessarily because we want to be separated, but none-the-less we are.

I had a hard time for a while with being happy or feeling 'normal'. I didn't want to feel okay; that meant that I was learning how to live my life without Zach. But that is exactly where I am right now in my life and in my marriage. I am living my life without him. Like it or not I'm going to have to figure out the purpose God has for me while I'm alone.

Zach and I were in a beautiful place in our marriage and with our journey with God, as a couple. We felt God was pulling us in a direction and we couldn't figure out what it was. We prayed and prayed and waited. There was no 'God told me' moment, but there were doors that opened that lead Zach to join the Navy. We felt that God was calling us to do this, but I have recently had my doubts.

Why would God call us to lead separate lives? Why would He want us to be apart from each other? Why would He want any separation in what He has joined together? I've asked myself these questions over and over and I've only come up with one response.

"For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." Jer. 29:11-13

The response is that there is no answer; not yet anyway. God knows what He's doing. I don't like the way things look right now, but I can't see the whole picture. I've always believed God put Zach and I together to grow closer to Him, and we have. But now we must grow closer to Him without each other.

It literally kills me to think that Zach and I are growing apart. I mean we are living completely separate lives, how can we not? I just pray that Zach is trying to grow closer to God as we are apart, because the only way we can grow closer while we're apart is by growing closer to Him. If we are both striving to get to Him then we will be growing together without actually physically being together.

I am praying that our time apart from each other will come to a close soon and that our relationship can get back to 'normal'. Which is going to be completely different now, but at least we will be together. There is no clear answer to this struggle I'm in right now, but I do know that some how, some way I will make it through with God at my side. He can sustain our marriage even through the hardest times and the lowest lows.

Please say a prayer for all the military couples that are working hard to keep their marriages going even though they are separated. Pray that God will sustain them and bind them together in Him until they can physically be together again.

♥ Ashley

Replaceable

Today I am feeling replaceable. I always try to start the new year off thinking positively, but today I just couldn't shake the feeling that I am replaceable. These last months have been a doozy, and have caused me to feel replaceable.

The only thing I can do is remember that I am not replaceable to God. He knew me before I was formed and He is still walking right next to me.

"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us (me) from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

This verse is getting me through today and probably many more days in my future. 'Nor any other created thing', like loneliness, exasperation, 'replaceablity'; nothing can separate me from God's love. I am so unbelievably grateful for this. When nothing else can ease your soul He can, and that's all I need.

♥ Ashley

Life Changing

There are few things in my life that have actually been life changing. I really don't consider when I got married or when I had kids life changing, because they both felt so natural, like they came easily to me. When I think of something life changing it's something that you have to work at, learn how to deal with it, and try to understand how to go on with this new thing (good or bad) in your life.

When I was younger I was faced with a couple of life changing events. These events caused me to become super independent and I learned to rely only on myself (not always a good thing). When I met Zachary and we began to fall in love, this too was life changing. I had to figure out a way to be less independent, to let my walls come crumbling down. So, in my lifetime I had had only a couple of life changing events, until Zach left for the Navy.

I didn't think this event would be life changing, but boy was I wrong. I had become so dependent on Zach because I had let my walls fall down for him completely(which is a good thing!). Now it felt like I was having to rebuild some of those walls. I had spoken to Zach every single day for the past eight years; when he left for bootcamp there was no contact whatsoever. I never realized just how much Zach telling me he loved me everyday meant. I had taken it for granted, that's for sure. When I wasn't able to hear him say it everyday I started doubting it and wondering if his love for me was changing since everything else was changing for him and I was stuck in our 'old' life. I knew my love for him was growing stronger because I missed him so much. I had to learn to trust that our love was still as vibrant as the day we said goodbye and had our last kiss for awhile.

I had to learn how to coupe with everyday things on my own, whereas for the past four years we had attacked this parent thing together. It's the simple moments that I learned made the biggest difference in each day, because he was there to help. I had to learn to rely on myself again, and to be honest, I hated this part the most.

It took me years to adjust to living life with Zach. I had to learn to let go and rely on him and not be so independent. So when he wasn't here I felt like I was moving backwards. Like I was learning to be independent again. I didn't realize just how much I depended on Zach until he was out of the picture 24/7. I feel like he is literally my heartbeat. He is my everything, and learning to live without him, for now, was gut wrenching.

Now I get to see him and talk to him, and I get to start the process all over again. Learning to not be so independent, again. I feel like I was just getting to a good point with it and now it's time to change again.

I never realized just how difficult this whole military thing is when you have a family and kids. It is literally life changing. So I'm sorry to all my friends who I didn't support enough while your spouses were away from you. I think it's just one of those things in life you'll just never understand unless you've actually been through it. So, please pray for everyone serving in our military and their families back home that are going through life changing moments constantly.

God has given me the strength to go on while Zach has been away, and I want to share that with everyone I can. Sometimes when you have no strength left He blesses you with just enough to make it through.

♥
Ashley